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The Bittersweet Thread

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There is Happiness thread here---> Click Me!
There is Anger/Sadness management thread here---> Click Me!

This thread is to share your bittersweet feelings i.e. feeling sad and happy at the same time.
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I have been driving continuously/non-stop for the past 22 hours now in the adverse fog with almost near to zero visibility. Lights of the vehicles are my only hope since the main motorway is closed at night due to almost zero visibility of fog. Even fog lights fade away just less than 10 meters to the max. This alternate road is so bumpy which I am feeling bittersweet about. Actually, I'm feeling bittersweet about this whole journey. It's definitely one of my dangerous travel if not the dangerous.

My sister and my brother are with me. They are scared to death and I loled at their reactions and even further scared them. Actually, this is kind of my deliberate attempt since I love to drive in thick smokey cloudy fog. It's one of the beautiful experiences of life but it of course comes with danger. The fog looks and feels like clouds and it's like I'm flying in clouds. The thick smokey fog engulf the vehicle totally from every direction. I also fantasize about zombies walking in the fog, but at this point, I think I a zombie as well due to lack of sleep. I can't afford to stop in the middle of this tiny bumpy one-way road due to two reasons. First is that heavy trucks are mostly careless here and due to bad visibility, they could just crush the ones who are just stopping. It has happened a lot of time. The second reason are the looters and thieves. So, I'm in continuous motion and feeling bittersweet. It's like how in TWD, Rick says 'we need to keep moving'.

Actually, my sister cried because she had never seen anything like that and on top of it, I made fun of it and turned it into a classic sibling fight where I was smiling the whole time because of that...This feeling of revenge is awesome! These two have teased me a lot in the past and it's my turn now. I saw her praying with her eyes closed and scared so much to even look at the windshield while I was smiling continuously. My little brother was telling me all kinds of names some of them which I heard for the first time and it was so glorious! Same with my sister too and she called me wonderful names and I was loving at their tag-team reunion against me. Wow, this day had to come too...My brother who used to be such loud-mouthed individual and often yelling is like a little kitty now...What a transformation of tameness! They both panicked in glorious fashion...

I also had an argument about Bleach and afterlife somewhere in this names calling with my little brother. [My little brother has watched Bleach upto SS arc and his favourite character is Byakuya while my sister was clueless of what the hell we were talking about] My sister even pulled my hairs extremely hard for so many minutes for not understanding any of it along with bringing her into this journey, but they had no other choice other than to go with me...

I know I would get through this because it's perhaps my 50th interaction with this dense fog but first for them...The best thing is that they are so sleepy but they are not sleeping due to the fear that a truck would come from the front and hit, lol. It's natural because the road is tiny one-way and on top of it is in terrible shape with lots of bumps and pits along with dominated bad truck drivers. I would perhaps upload a video of the fog if I could get time and share.


[I'm making the post while filling patrol..I need to keep moving...:)]


 

chlorhexidine

Zombified...
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There is a small wooden block outside, in which I stand upon it with thick boots, every morning whenever I fill a silver bucket of drinking water. I share a living space with a lot of greenery and animals like deer, raccoons, feral cats, and even the rare occasion of mountain lion. Thank goodness I have not seen or step on a snake. It gives me a bittersweet feeling because I am feeling the rays of the sun on my back, hair, and face, the feeling of being alive and being able to breathe and walk. Some people like my father figure isn’t able to walk now and it is just the sense of powerless-ness of nothing to do about it...there are many things that may be small, but it has such tremendous significance in life.

I am glad to experience this moment and any moment in my life that makes me think, “I am lucky I was alive to experience a thing, person, or a place.”
 
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The decision will be hard, but, necessary. The future will be whatever I want it to be.
 
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So after lots and lots of years, I have finally got my perfect hairdresser...He's the most talented person I ever encountered in hair styling...Not only that, he treats me extremely nice and fully understands what I'm exactly wanting from him...Even better, he's more or less in the same age group as me and is so humble...Most barbers or hairdressers abuse lengths, when I say to trim 2 inches, they would not respect the '2' inches...They would abuse length and ruin it by cutting more than what I wanted...But he's so different...I hope he doesn't quit that field which would be sad for me...Tbh, I have a little crush on him too :)
 

wanda lensherr

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It would be bittersweet when i get my request on a dna test honored. I say this delicately becuz there are children involved (very small) and i know it ll hurt like hell for me and my family if our fears are confirmed but at least we ll have closure. I ll feel like a weight is off my chest and the worldis no longer sitting on my shoulders since i long for the truth and thats all. I just want to move on and as they say only the truth will set u free etc
 
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I really wanted to share my experience today...I have got bittersweet feelings about it. I think it would be impossible to forget this day because of some coincidences that happened...

So today, I went to hospital to have Covid 19 vaccine. Mind you, it was perhaps the second most difficult decision of my life ever. The first was (not want to mention here) during my teenage days of something else. I am not trying to rank the decisions as they both are different. It was 3:00AM that I decided to have a vaccine tomorrow and I was pretty stressed so much that I wasn't able to properly sleep. I slept for barely two hours. I would wake up knowing what my decision would lead me into....There were so many constraints, so many IFs and BUTs...Anyways, it's very rare for me to not have a sleep due to stress. Perhaps once in two years, there might comes a night that sleep does not come....No matter how much I am stressed, I rarely have a one night in two years where sleep doesn't come. The sleep always comes on time no matter how much I am stressed.

My stress was related to the decision of taking or not taking the vaccine. And past few weeks, I was battling internally with it. Asking different people whom I know and have interreacted with that what did they do? Asking about their experiences....Their opinions etc. Heck, I have had arguments with my own family which are involved in medical profession i.e. my mom, my brother and my sister. The social media horror stories related to vaccines scared me. That's why I wanted to interact and talk with more and more people whom I know in both real-life and online so that my mind may become less foggy.

I went through all the phases of my feelings that involved statements like "this decision might haunt you in future", "long term complications", "adverse events", "future regrets" and other different types of uncertainties. These types of feelings were on a personal level and I also went through non-personal phases too which involved other people's priorities, their life choices, governments, companies, businesses and stuff like that...I felt the feeling and lived the feeling of almost every opinion related to vaccines...Moreover, I went a rollercoaster of so many other feelings like why the world is like what is it. I would explain this stuff later.

Coincidences:
Coming back to the day, I had a bad argument with the nurse at the hospital for reasons I don't want to share here. When I got out from the hospital taking the vaccine, I wasn't mentally feeling good about whatever happened inside(my arguments with the nurse) even though I stood my ground till the end. When I came near the open car parking and was about to enter my car, a bird did a shit on me on almost near the area where I got my injection in the left arm. And I told to myself what a luck was that! I wondered if it was a curse or a luck!

While I was thinking and cleaning about that, it began to rain a bit. I went inside the car and just sat down because I didn't feel like to drive. I didn't know what I was about to experience was something so unbelievably beautiful that could ever happen. It felt like destiny more than a coincidence...Long story short, I came back home and tried to rest...

As I was resting, I got a message from one of the BA members. I would want to protect their privacy and gender, so I would address them by 'they' and use 'them'. What am I about to tell you is unbelievably beautiful...The member didn't know that I vaccinated today and neither did I knew that they vaccinated today. We had at least one talk about vaccines in general a week ago and that was it. We didn't know when I or they would get their vaccine. Mind you we live in separate parts of the world thousands of miles away.

Continuing the story, the member told me that they got their vaccine today. I replied that 'me too'. Then I inquired what time, they said the time and mine was also the same time. I first thought it was a joke that the member was just repeating what I was telling, but it was real. How on Earth two people living miles away not knowing each other when we both would get vaccinated, but at the exact same time we did? Not only just that, but the vaccine was also the same brand we both had. Not only that, it was both our first shot. Not only that, the member and me both ate the exact same breakfast? Mangoes........OMG, this can't be real...We might be kindred spirits for real....Thousands of miles away having same breakfast, same timing, same day, same brand of vaccines, same first dose and NOT knowing this at all.....What more beautiful a coincidence could ever be? If we both knew before that tomorrow that we were going to be vaccinated, it wouldn't give this feeling at all....But we both were innocent and unaware....Their vaccine was scheduled whereas mine was walk-in and leave...and we both were unaware of every coincidence....
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Some more feelings regarding to the decision:

The past few days were mentally stressful for me because of indecisiveness. I absorbed all the feelings of those who were not willing to risk anything for vaccines.....I lived with those feelings...Then, I also absorbed all the other side of extreme feelings and then also absorbed the centralized feelings. I don't fear death at this point. If it comes today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow, right now while typing this post, I would accept it. We are born to die and living to die. My ultimate death wish is that my soul would explode like a firework and each piece goes in a different way finding its own journey, its own consciousness, the pain of leaving the whole and separating in different directions like a firework, the ultimate joy of love in separation with hope of meeting/combining again to separate again...

So I was battling with lots of different feelings. I have stopped becoming a god of my life that what would happen to me after 20 years or making a planning of next 20 years or 10 years or 5 years...That's how a god might plan, not me...I have gone through a rollercoaster of feelings past several weeks. It was a sudden jump, a sudden tilt to either one of the extremes with sometimes landing in the middle too...My whole life from start to end flashed like book pages from left to right...I'm so blessed to spend a wonderful great life...

The memories I did in my life, I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are extremely dear to me and I lived in those moments which became memories. My childhood was awesome and no book, imagination or fantasy could ever top that. My school memories, my sports memories, whatever I did in life, it was more than what my imagination or fantasy could do....And I thank God for giving me such life with full of blessings and if my destiny is to go, I wouldn't regret one bit...Because my life, regardless of what hurdles I faced, regardless of what sufferings I had, the memories and the profound joy I had in living in the moments, nothing could top that for me...
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There are things I want to say regarding to what's happening in the social media right now with respect to the pandemic. I have a view that no matter how the world's conditions are, no one should ever be forced to take a decision of anything they inject in their bodies. The idea of having this mentality of vaccines-passports and the idea of portraying those who didn't take the vaccines to declare them as lesser class or citizens is abhorrible. I consider the elimination of bloodline monarchy the most profound achievement done by humanity. With the mentality like that, we are encouraging a monarchy to rule over us again, and once a bloodline regime sits disguised as political party in the era of modern states and republics, it does not go away easily for at least hundreds of years...and then blood has to spill again to overthrow them.

I can bear a temporary dictator, a one party autocratic stuff, but I can never bear a bloodline monarchy....I would personally consider myself a living slave if that were to happen as I would be serving someone's blood...And those parties that make a culture of shifting their power to their children to command to lead the parties are monarchies disguised as democracy in sheep's clothing. Democracy doesn't mean one would shift their power to their bloodline. Amway's, the point I wanted to make is that we should have a sensibility to accept each other's differences and moving on rather than imposing anything on anyone with force. The more we try to do that with force and alienating, the more we just try to do things as black and white, painting everything with a single brush stroke. And this does not help anyone. Instead we create our worse enemies all by our forced behaviours on massive levels...
 
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